It's difficult to talk to the people I love and I find it harder and harder each day. It's hard for me to sympathise with my friend's problems when no one seems to want to listen to my own whenever I bring them up. Instead I just go and delete those messages and just hope that no one saw me in that state of disaray. Today I tried to talk to my mom about it but I got so choked up before I could even say anything that she ended up just making her own narrative about what I might be going through.

It is what it is I guess, I'm suppose to be the stable and level-headed therapist for her and for my friends. I fear that I won't properly ever get to vent until I hire a $90 session with a stranger who might truly not understand either.

I don't mean for this post to be very "woe is me" but I find it hard to find any sort of real connection: be it in real life or behind a computer screen. I hope that whoever may find these ramblings of mine and future blog posts may come to understand that it may be hard when it seems like no one has the time or energy to listen, your problems are worth just as much as other's do.

I have a bit of a song recommendation that I have tended to loop a lot as of late, "Petals" by Hole. I find the song to be very eerie in sound and tragic in writing but all the more beautifully sung by a celeb I hardly find admirable. But it is what Courtney Love serves to teach in that song, that even if you're riddled with imperfections, what you create and love doing is worth much more than any meaningless relationship.

That is to say, I hope to be married to a job soon. I really have to search harder. Good luck to you too.